I share a journal with my two cousins, Michelle and Andi. The most recent topic was talk about a time you had to wait for something and what that time was like.  Great question!  I know, it was my idea….that I totally bogarted from some journaling website.  Below is my waiting story.

I’m in a time of waiting right now, actually.  I believe that 12 years ago, the time after my miscarriages, was epic (growth) and equally excruciating.  But I’ll stick to what’s going on right now, knowing that it will be cathartic.

Currently, I’m waiting to have a career. I mean, I have a part-time j-o-b during the school year, but you know, like a grown-up career.   I graduated Integrative Nutrition’s health coaching program and the “graduate” program, Immersion, and was so excited to jump into life as a health coach with a full-time practice.  Educating people about food and ingredients, teaching them to love themselves through awareness and being a change-agent in the healthcare crisis is crazy cool!  I wanted to be doing workshops, seeing clients and consulting.  BIG Dreams and a Busy schedule, is what I saw.

Then, the weight and responsibility of a new marriage, adoption of my cousin, a bonus daughter from my husband, and transition of my two older girls, crashed into me.  The challenges we have had to face in the last 20 months, within the family and with the outside world, have been unbearable at times.  I’m telling you, we could not even make up some of this crap!  In the midst of the realization of what was ahead for James (huzbind) and I, the process of creating a healthy family, I saw that I had to be the glue here. HERE- at home, literally.  These four girls needed me- physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  There would be no full-time health coaching practice until they were all “safe.”

What that’s looked like for me is a lot of prayer and grace and sacrifice and gratefulness.

I pray through the times when I get resentful or sad (this is an honorable and lonely job).  I pray when I know one of the girls is in pain. I pray in thankfulness when I watch the Spirit slowly redeem their hurt.  I pray when I’ve screwed up any hopes of receiving a trophy for Mother of the Year, begging God to erase the stupid thing I said from their precious little heart. I pray for help for James. I pray in awe.  I pray just to breathe, some days.

I give and receive grace as often as I can. Some days that’s not much, either.  The six of us are just doing the best we can and that is GOOD ENOUGH. It’s enough. Grace applied swiftly and aggressively can cover a multitude of sins.  For real.

I sacrifice grownup lunches, girlfriend time and dressing nice for work.  I sacrifice vacations and nice cars. A few of my precious lady bugs need some tools and therapy is expensive (and worth it).

But mostly, I’m grateful.  I am grateful that I have James as a teammate.  What we’ve endured, and will continue to work through, takes a hell of a strong love….and commitment and passion to the cause.  We have that.  Sometimes it doesn’t look pretty, like the really ugly Cry Face during a good sob, and that’s ok.  Usually though, we have a crazy fierce united front. Bam! Yes, I am grateful for James.  Geez, I love that man.

I’m grateful that God entrusted the lives of four girls to me.  They all needed different kinds of mothering, two born of my womb and two born from my heart.   I gladly stepped up to the plate (shaking and not sure if I could hold the weight of the bat). I’m lucky they’re mine and get to witness their journey as sisters.  I always wanted a sister.  It blows my mind how God does that thing of kind of giving you what your heart desires but in a totally different and more beautiful way than you could have imagined.

I’m grateful that James and I are pioneers to our church and community of what a super-blended family can look like.  Depending on the day, we can look like a mess or like cohesion or like beauty.  It looks REAL. We don’t use the word “normal” in our house….because we’re not! No other family situation looks strange to my girls- doesn’t matter if a friend is raised by their Grandma or two moms or two dads or both parents. They’re like, ‘um, ok, whatever. Want to make duct tape purses?”  They just accept it. Cool. Very cool.

I’m grateful for LOVE.  It’s hits a home run, every time. EVERY time. Love on the hard days is why we’re all still alive (imagine a 14-hr summer day with all the kids & James is traveling).  Oh, and Kocanut Joe’s froyo helps too. Yum!  I digress….anyhoo….Loving or being loved when you’re in the swamp of life is like what the Beatles sang of: Here comes the sun. Yeah, it’s like that.  Sun!

And so, I will wait….and watch Ellen.


6 thoughts on “Waiting….imperfectly

  1. I so enjoyed reading your Blog Heather! I’ve know since you were a child you have a special talent for communicating and now I see it on the page. Keep writing and keep hanging in there for your family as God has placed you exactly where you need to be.

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